Mindful

So I’ve started this new thing, a new scary out of my comfort zone kind of a thing.  I have officially started a group therapy/class/not really therapy at all group thing at my school.  MY doctor at school has been trying to get me to go to one of these for 2 years now, and they just freaked me out so I always said no, not in a million years without even really considering it.  What if I knew somebody there? What if they found out about me? What if I started crying in front of strangers?  What if I found out that I am really crazy and they locked me up?  What if I had to talk? What if somebody saw me go in?  Then I realized woah that’s kind of crazy, that I’m holding myself back to a potentially fabulous experience because I’m scared people will find out about me, when my end goal in life is to essentially tell everyone about me anyways.  So I walked my shaking self through the rain and into this new class. 

Honestly, it was pretty awkward, and I kind of hated myself because I was judging just about everyone that came in, oh they look normal, oh wait do I know them, he’s on the football team why is he here? Nobody spoke, we were all awkward turtles trying to figure out why we were there, and what the “appropriate” thing was, how “should” we be behaving right now? So then, logically, the next right thing to do with a room full of awko taco young adults is to lead them into a meditation, which is probably the most vulnerable activity I have ever been a part of.  In a room full of total strangers, I had to close my eyes and go inside my mind.  Vulnerable.  But I did it.  We all did it. And it was fun? I had fun? I put the judgment away?

Well everybody I’m pretty sure that mindfulness, and meditation are my new obsessions.  It felt so good!  It felt like when you’re sitting in front of the ocean, and all those worries, and anxieties, and fears, just slip away into the lapping of the waves, and you’re just overcome with thankfulness, and joy.  It felt like that, but I was sitting in a basement, with strangers, at school.

 My mind races, always, I don’t know why, it just does, it is never quiet, I am always thinking about something.  For the 5 minutes we were meditating, yes it was still racing, but I was learning how to quiet it If that makes sense?  I love that I think so much about everything, I love that it’s always going, my thinking makes for some great positives in my life and has helped with my recovery, but it is also the source of a lot of anxiety, and hurt, and yuckiness.  Learning to kind of shut it off, in a healthy, mindful, way, was SO EXCITING! 

I love this new group, I love that we’re all there from such different parts of the world, but we’re there for that 1-hour doing the same thing, learning the same thing, living together. 

So I’m bringing you on this next four weeks with me, to learn about being mindful. 

Ready? Set? Go

Newfoundland

I have been looking forward to the time I would get to come back, since the last time I was here 4 years ago.  I don't know what it is, but every time I come back it's better than the last.  Maybe I'm getting older and am appreciating it more as a result of age, but there's something in the air here that's just different.

4:27AM, I wake up in anticipation of my alarm, too excited to wait the extra three minutes I get a move on.  Even the airport taxi driver is kind and loving, at 5 in the morning, this has to be the start of the most perfect trip.  Honestly it's such a rarity for me to be on a plane, that I really think the airport was one of my favourite moments.  I love the snacks, I love all the people, I love sitting in a plane, I love being in the air, I love being above the clouds, and I also don't mind the snapchat opportunities.  Newfoundland, here I come.

I mean hello, are you seeing just how stinking beautiful the world is.  I think flying should be some kind of therapy in and of itself.  

The last time I was here, in St.John's, I came for the summer after my Poppy died.  It was then that I started to notice that something was off with me, the air started to feel heavier, I didn't or I couldn't feel as much joy.  Coming back, this memory was in the back of my head, but man oh man this trip could not be any more different.  

As soon as I stepped foot on that airplane I was just giddy, and that hasn't gone away this whole week.  I am not thinking about my weight, what I should be eating versus what I am eating, I'm not thinking about school, or deadlines, about drama, sadness, cutting, I am just joyful.  I cannot begin to tell you how refreshing it is to have all these back to back days, with no worries just joy.  

Everything here is breathtakingly beautiful, driving down the street you're met with beautiful landscape, the ocean is impeccable, everywhere I turn I am met with more of God's beauty.  My people here are good, my people here are love, just a lot of love.  I'm not thinking about what anybody else is thinking about me, I am loving and laughing, reminiscing, and making new memories, and did I mention laughing.  

I feel closer to everything here, myself, my family, my poppy, the earth, God.  I'm sure there will be about 77 more posts about this trip, but as for right now I am off to make Pea Soup with my nanny.  

I am doing (or trying to do), an instagram a day while I'm away, so you should follow me! hahaha (#shamelessplug) 

@chelseardm

I love you, you are loved, you are worthy, you have purpose.  Challenge for this week: start planning a vacation, or an adventure, just go see something new, go experience something new, go do.  I promise you won't regret it. (And take LOTS of pictures)

I love you

Taking Care of Yourself

It has been a hot minute since I have sat down to write a post on here, I'm sorry about that!!

How are you?
How was the end of summer?
How are you enjoying this new season?

I have now officially started my third year of University, and this semester so far I've actually been to almost all of my classes, so round of applause for improvement.

I find life to be just so funny, maybe it's because I find life to be so excruciatingly painful that I just deflect that and turn it into humour, but sometimes I just have to sit back and laugh because how else can you respond to crazy.

Life this week decided that I was getting too comfortable, so it shook me up, and now I feel like I'm living upside down.  Living with mental illness, and I honestly think just living, this happens quite frequently, but this time something was different about the shake up.  Everything I knew as fact kind of went out the window, and I was handed this whole new identity that I haven't quite figured out how to deal with yet.  Usually when something shakes me up, or hurts me really bad I try to run away from it by cutting, or eating, or sleeping, or some such other destructive behaviour.  I don't think that's different from other human beings though, my dad when something hurts him, he runs away from it by hurting someone else, when my brother feels hurt he pushes everyone away, one of my friends, when she feels hurt she runs as fast as she can as hard as she can, literally.

Being shook up, sucks, it just does, however I am learning that I can use these moments as moments to pause and just take care of myself.   Even though we SHOULD be taking care of ourselves all day every day, that doesn't really happen all the time, so I use these as an excuse to block the world out and just be me.

So I've made this list of things that I like to do when I am needing some extra TLC, and maybe (I hope) you'll find something that can help you too.

1.  WRITING 
The day after "the big change" is what I'll call it, I had a super busy day, and I was walking to class when all of a sudden I found myself walking towards the library, not class.  So I just went with it, bought a coffee, found a big comfy chair got my computer out and wrote everything down.  All the thoughts I had about what just happened to me, I put onto the page so that they wouldn't be in my head anymore.  I've heard it be called a "brain dump", on other blogs, some call it a diary, others a journal, it could be on a napkin, with a pen and paper, or in a word document.  Whatever it is, it is the act of taking the racing, jumbled up thoughts in my brain and putting them into the world physically. That's exactly what this blog is, it is my "brain dump".

2. SLEEP 
This morning I woke up earlier than I had to, and I was trying to will myself to get out of bed, and I texted my home girl for motivation, and she just asked "Why do you have to get out of bed?"  Very valid question, it's Saturday, I have no plans, nothing requiring my immediate attention, and I am exhausted, so I went back to bed and didn't get up until I really wanted to.  Now don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting we all stay in bed all day every day because that's what we want to, and I am not recommending that at all.  But I am saying, take a day, a weekend, even just a morning, and sleep in!
3.  MAKE A BOMB MEAL
Two days after "the big change", I was hungry, and I was contemplating just going about my day and ignoring it but then I did a double take in my mind, and my body wanted food, it was hungry, and my body does a lot of things for me, so I made the choice to take care of it AND IT WAS SO FUN.  I went through my fridge that I so often times try to pretend doesn't exist, and I went upstairs to my kitchen and I made my eggs, and I toasted my toast and used my home made jam my uncle so graciously made me, and I made (by made I mean I put the pre made kind into the oven to warm up) my cinnamon bun, and I cut up my strawberries and put them on the plate all pretty, I ground my coffee beans and made myself a fresh pot of coffee.  When I had it all made, and arranged on my plate I just sat and admired my handy work for a little bit, and then I devoured my creation.  I know what you're thinking, eggs, toast, pre made cinnamon bun, doesn't sound very "bomb", but it was for me, it was a step ok?!

4. #SPADAY
I did this all the time in the summer, I made it a point to do this every Friday or Saturday night, because it makes me feel so good.  Spa Day looks different for everyone, because we all have different things that make us feel pampered.  For me spa day, is actually spa night, and it entails a bubble bath (emphasis on the bubble part of that), face mask (it MUST be green), and one of those pore strips (highly recommend, nothing is quite so satisfying).  Whatever your essentials are, just pamper yourself!! Life is hard, and you most certainly deserve it.

5. STARBUCKS 
This could totally be just a me weird thing, but there is nothing quite so relaxing to me as sitting down in a starbucks, or second cup, or some other coffee shop situation, getting my drink and a snack, and sitting at a table to write, or listen to music, write letters, or honestly do my homework.  I love coffee first of all, and I love writing things, and getting out of the house is a good thing.  Even if I do nothing at all the rest of the day, but I came to starbucks and did something, it makes me feel productive.  (Fun Fact: every single one of my blog posts has been done sitting in a starbucks).

                                                               (Photo: Holly Jaremko)
                                 

(Photo: Abbey Brown) 

That's it, 5 very simple things.  They probably sound stupid, sleep, eat, bathe?  Those are all parts of our daily life are they not?  Yes, but when do I ever take the time to make myself a really good breakfast, take the time to sleep in a little bit, take time to bathe. I can only speak for myself, but often times those day to day tasks become mundane, and something I have to do.  I have to shower, but I'm going to do it as quickly as I can because I have 3 papers do this week and I don't have the time.  I have to eat, but I'm going to make this really boring 2 minute oatmeal, or honestly just not eat at all, because I have to be at work in 7 minutes.

I think it comes down to time, taking the time to feed ourselves, taking the time to rest our bodies, taking the time to show ourselves love.

So my friends, this week I challenge you to show yourselves some love, regardless of whether you've had a "big change" moment or not, love yourself this week.

What are some things you do to take care of yourself?  What is your list of 5?

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!

2-0

The twenties as defined eloquently by Kyoko Escamilla: 

                                                "Your 20's are your 'selfish' years.  

                      It's a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible.  

                                    Be selfish with your time, and all aspects of you.  

                             Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, 

                                                    and never touch the ground."     

Dang, she makes that sound magical. 

The twenties as defined by a petrified Chelsea: 

"My 20's a time that I never imagined for myself, never could imagine for myself.  A fresh new decade filled with potential for new heartbreak, new joy, new memories, new lessons, new mistakes. A decade filled with the unknown.  

I am scared."

I remember sitting in a hospital bed for the first time, I was sixteen.  I sat there for hours watching my heart beat on the monitor.  When I was sixteen I had to live moment to moment, never knowing if I was going to make it through.  I couldn't picture the next year, the next week, or even day, so it was moment to moment, breath in breath out.  As I grew older and watching my heart beat on the monitor became a sort of hobby for me, there was always this subconscious understanding that the "future", the "20's", "30's" etc., were never going to be an option for me.  I was too sad, too sick, too helpless, one day I would go too deep, take too many, and that would be it.  Just a kind of numb understanding my brain had.  

Last week I turned 20. A whole week has gone by and I am still alive and well, I have yet to be doomed to death.  

I AM SCARED.  We were driving home on my 'birthday eve' and I was watching the clock go from 10:38, to 11:03, to 11:24, to 11:36, to 11:49, to 11:57 secretly hoping that we would just skip past 12:00 and life would carry on as my usual 19 year old self.  No such luck.  

12:00am on July 31 came at an Innisfil on route in the Tim Horton's line, make up less, bra less, looking pretty scary laughing with my home girl, and honestly...it was pretty perfect.  The whole birthday weekend was as close to perfect as it gets.  

Through my first week of 20's I have slightly altered my scared sh**less mentality to this: I am 20, I have survived the worst moments and thrived in some amazing ones.  The past decade has been hard, really really hard, I wouldn't wish what I lived on anyone but also I wouldn't take them back if I had the chance.  Those years, the really hard ones have gotten me right here, to 20.  I have a fresh new decade at my fingertips, I can use them for whatever the heck I want.  It is scary, but it is also absolutely exciting.  Clean slate, and of course with new adventure comes new heart ache but using what I have learned about hurting from my teens, will make my 20's the best yet.  

So take that 20's.  

I hope you are soaking up the remainder of summer, and taking care of yourself.  If you need me I'll be taking Kyoko's advice and living my 20's up!!

I love you!

Chelsea 

We had ice cream every day for 5 days

                                                   

<3

Roadtrip 1/3

The world is pretty, even on the highway

I LOVE COFFEE

Always laughing with them 

                                     

BIRTHDAYS IN ON ROUTES!

Me and Harry share a Birthday...I'm pretty cool

More ice cream....

My goals for this new decade!

A Break

Good Afternoon and Happy Summer!


I have sat and stared at my pen and paper for what feels like decades these past couple months, with just nothing in my brain, staring at an empty page with no words.  Usually my problem is that I have too many words, not having ANY words was a new one for me.  So I kind of dropped the ball on the whole blogging front, sorry about that.

This summer has been A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.  So it kind of caught me by surprise when I didn't have words.  I once again won the job lottery, and have just finished the hardest but the most incredible 8 weeks as a student chaplain, which will be a whole post on it's own.

Throughout this "mental health journey" let's call it, I have learned that for me taking breaks are not just luxuries but necessities.  For me to be a human being, taking breaks is vital.  Having a day, or a night, or a weekend to look forward to, where I know I am going to have a break.

In April I was finishing up probably the worst semester ever, no not probably, it was actually the worst semester ever.  I was exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, completely wiped out.  At the end of this dark, dreary, disgusting tunnel was April 20th where my little friend family was coming to the Hammer to spend the day.  Whenever I was sad, fed up, angry, disappointed (you get the idea) in the back of my mind I had April 20 to keep me going.  My bestest friends came up to my house, and we went to see a waterfall, we got coffee, and dinner, and we ended the day worshiping Jesus together along with hundreds of others at Outcry. 

Seconds before I fell to my almost death

Trying to figure out our pose

AREN'T THESE PEOPLE BEAUTIFUL!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xBb0__ZEBs

**All of these waterfall pictures and the video were done by the amazingly talented Alison Brown and this is her website GO LOOK AT IT http://ajebphotography.wix.com/mysite**

We took pictures (A LOT of pictures as you can tell), we laughed, we ate, we explored God's creation, we ate, we sang, we worshipped, we had a break from the real, hard, messy life stuff and we just were.

I recently just got back from another break, a longer one this time.  After 8 weeks of taking care of other people, I escaped to my friend from middle schools cottage in the woods for a few days.  We swam, had three coffees a day, explored, I tried paddle boarding for the first time, took a makeup hiatus, and just spent time outside away from phones, and the outside world and took a break.

Est. '08

Three a day will keep the doctor away

This view though!!!

I encourage you all to take a break this week, or next.  Step away from the heaviness of daily life and just take in God's creation, take in this beautiful world he made for us.  Be with your friends, laugh, watch the clouds, cry, listen to good music, read, write, run, walk, whatever taking a break means to you, do it.  I promise you won't regret it.  YOU DESERVE IT!!!
I love you, you are worth it, keep going!
I'll see you soon **pinky promise**

Chelsea

"And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done. So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation."  

- Genesis 2:2-3

The Divide

I've lived in the city my whole entire life, and for the longest time I stayed in my comfortable four block radius of the world, and rarely stepped outside of that zone.  As I  have gotten older, maybe a bit more adventurous, or curious is maybe a better word, I have been expanding that four block radius and stepping into the many different wonderfully beautiful parts of this place I call home.

The other day I got off work early and just started walking (I highly recommend just walking around places, you learn a lot).  On my little walk I was thinking big thoughts about the world, "what is the meaning of life" kind of thoughts I'm talking about here, and right in front of me, right smack dab in front of my face, was a can you guess what, a DIVIDE!!

To my left was the city skyline, tall condo buildings, the CN tower, big fancy business towers, that probably cost millions upon millions upon millions upon some more millions to build.  To my right were worn down convenience stores, laundry mats, people asking me for money for food, people without shoes, and a lot of trees.

This kind of boggled my mind, because there is literally only one or two blocks separating these two completely different worlds.  This place that I call home, this place that 2.5 million other people call home, we all live in the same place, but we all have a different meaning behind it, we all have a different experience of what living in this "city" means.  I was thinking about that a little more and I think that's kind of true of just life.  As a human race we have all experienced, love, heart break, sadness, joy, fear, excitement, anticipation, grief, but all of those feelings are kind of like my city no?  We have all lived in those feelings at some point or another, but what sadness looks like to me, might not look the same to my brother.  Is one more correct than the other?  Is one more "sad", or more true, more real?  No, not at all.  One feeling is not more correct than another.  People tell me all the time, it's not as bad as you, or I shouldn't feel like this you have it so much worse, or I'm sorry I know your situation is worse, and that kind of breaks my heart, except not kind of, it breaks my heart.  Feelings are feelings, my feelings are not more important than yours or his or hers or theirs, just like their feelings are not more important than mine.  You can be happy, I can be happy, you can scared, I can be scared, you can be joyful, I can be joyful, you can be in love, I can be in love, let's just respect EACH OTHER and OURSELVES enough to realize that we can all feel whatever it is we feel.

Then my train of thought turned in a different direction, and I started wondering about our ministry.  What if I just stayed in my four block radius, because I wanted to, because it was comfortable, because I liked it, because it had everything I needed, I don't know, whatever the reason was I just stayed there, all day every day, forever and always.  Then I would never look around the corner, I would never see the opportunity for ministry, for showing love, for listening, for meeting new people, for making new experiences, that were all available to me just around the corner.   All I had to do was walk, that is literally it.  A whole new experience, all new neighbours, all new opportunity to love the way my saviour calls me to love were all standing right there, I just needed to turn my head.  

So there is the walking thought rant of the week for you, I hope you understood it!  

I hope you all have and have had a fabulous week.

YOU ARE LOVED!

Happy Birthday Poppy

May 3, 2016 12:00 am

Today is my poppy's birthday, my beautiful poppy gets to celebrate his special day with Jesus, I can't even be mad at him for ditching me because how can you be mad at a person for going home to Jesus.
I had experienced loss, my grandma had died a couple years before him, but a loss that extreme, I had never had to feel before.  I remember when he was sick, I hardly went to go visit him because I didn't believe that he could or that he would die.  Even standing at my job, having my boss tell me I had to leave to go to the hospital I didn't want to go because I didn't want to miss my first soccer game.  I thought he was invincible, because I could not imagine a life where he wasn't in it.

He wasn't just my Grandpa, he wore the hat of role model, spiritual leader, friend, but more than that, he was the dad that I never got to have.

I know that everyone always says that there loved ones are always the best of the best, but this man truly was the greatest christ like man I have ever known.
I am missing him more than I ever have recently, and one of my biggest regrets was not telling him how much he meant to me when I had the chance.  So as I do when I don't have the words to speak, I write.

Dear Poppy,
    Happy Birthday!! I hope you still get to celebrate birthday's in heaven, but if not I'm celebrating for you, so don't worry.
    When you died I was 15, and you've missed a lot of stuff since you went home to Jesus.
I became a soldier.
I was diagnosed with Depression.
I graduated high school.
I got into McMaster, and then I actually went to McMaster.
I joined the band.
I joined songsters,
I went to camp, and met my lifetime friends.
I've built my own relationship with Christ.
I've dated.
I've had my heart broken.
Our church moved.
I've made new friends that you really would've loved.
I put the timbrel you bought me to good use.
And goodness, there has just been so many sad, and happy times that I wish you could've been here for.
I just want you to know that all of these things that have happened to me since you left, I wouldn't have been able to get through without you.

The thing I'm most proud of, the thing I want to thank you the most for, is Jesus.  Thank you for introducing me to the most beautiful God.  Thank you for being an example of what being a God Honouring human being looks like.  Thank you for showing me how to love, how to read my bible, how to pray, how to show God to others.  You're still teaching me things today, and you're not even in here (that's pretty impressive).

I really wish you could be here, I wish I could see you, just one more time, to say all of this stuff to you in person, but I guess this just has to do.

I hope you have the most perfect day.
Love Always,
Chelsea

I shall end this note in probably the most cliche way I could.  Tell the people that you love, that you love them.  Tell the people in your life how much they mean to you.  Tell your people that you care, tell your people that they are appreciated, hug your people, laugh with your people, spend time with your people.  Don't hold feelings back, don't hold that love back, just share it.

Eat a cupcake in honour of Poppy's birthday today!! (He would want that haha)

Holding it All Together

There are so many things that we are supposed to be doing on a regular basis to keep it all together.  I should be in school, I should be getting good marks, I should be reading, I should be working out, I should be eating right, I should be keeping my home clean, I should be socializing on a regular basis, I should have a job, I should be saving my money, I need to be making money, I should volunteer, I should be involved in my community, in my school, and in my church, I should be reading my bible, I should be spending time in prayer, I should be spending time with my family, I should be outside more, I should have good posture, I should look put together at all times and on top of ALL this I should be getting 8 hours of sleep a night.

We have 24 hours in a day.
Minus 8 is 16.
Let's say with classes and a part time job that takes at LEAST 8 hours of my day away.  Now I have 8 more hours.
1 hour of exercise a day now I have 7.
Showering, hair, makeup, outfit that takes about 1.5 hours of a day. Now I have 5.5 hours.
To prepare food, and then eat that food is maybe an hour.  Now I have 4.5 hours.
Maybe 2 hours of homework a day that leaves me with 2.5 hours.
If I get 1 hour of social time a day I'm left with an hour and a half now.
Volunteering anywhere, church, community, or school would take up that hour and a half at least.

Now I have zero hours in my day.
If I am doing all of these things that the world tells me I need to be doing to be a "complete" "whole" person I am left with no time to spend with my God.

In this way, I find myself living of the world and not just in it.
Because I am living of the world in this manner, I burn out, so much so that I just completely shut down and end up not getting anything done. This is for one reason, and one reason only, I am not putting Jesus first.  I know, that's pretty cliche right?

I often don't think about it in this way, if I can just be skinnier, if I can just get good grades, if I'm just financially stable, if I can just get a degree, if I just have a lot of friends, if I just have the right outfit, then I will be good, then I will be complete, then my life will be good, maybe then I'll be happy.

WRONG!!!

Jesus, my father, the one who died to save me NEEDS to be at the forefront of everything I do.  I need to wake up in the morning, spend time with my lord and then let everything else fall into place as it is meant to be.  We are not capable of making everything perfect, we are not capable of living perfect lives, we are not capable of having it all together all the time.  Please, give yourself a break, let yourselves breathe, pat yourself on the back because it is so hard to live in this world.  The good news, Jesus doesn't care.  Jesus loves your heart, the rest of the stuff doesn't change anything.

Next time you find yourself becoming overwhelmed with the demands of the world just stop, take a moment, breathe, whisper a prayer to your father, and remember this : you are enough, you have always been enough, you will always be enough.

Living with Jesus, not with the world...

I’ve been reflecting, as I typically do and the question on my mind these days is “Why not?”  

Why can’t I be the girl who gets the happy ending?  Why is there only happy endings, why can’t there be happy middles?   Why don’t I just go to Beijing, or Greece, or Chile, or wherever the heck I want to go!  Who says I have to go to school, get a degree, get a job, be careful with my money, buy a house, get married, have a dog, retire, and then die.  What if I don’t want that to be my life?  

I serve the most incredible God, so what would happen if instead of focusing on what the world was telling me to do I listened to Jesus, I spent more time with Jesus and less time in the world?  What would I do if I decided I didn’t give a crap about what people thought about me and just followed my heart and did what made me happy?  Who says I should be living at home because that makes the most economical sense, and who says I need to finish out my degree because that is most logical, and who says I need to follow all of these steps.  I am suffocating under the pressures of society, and of my family, and of all the people around me telling what I should be doing, and how I should be living.  I have never stepped out of the safe confines of my province (excluding Newfoundland),  there is so much world I haven’t seen.  Why am I forcing myself to be in this place where I am unhappy.  Why can’t I just move to London, why don’t I just do it instead of thinking about it over and over again?  Why don’t I just stop feeling sorry for myself and my lack of “culturedness” and get up and move, go somewhere, anywhere?  I want to see the world, I want to meet everyone, I want to experience everything.  I am so sick and tired of seeing my bed, one bed here, one bed in Toronto I want to live.  Waking up, going to work, going to class, going home, going to sleep and doing it all over again, that’s not the life I want.  That life drives me crazy, that life being hung up on boys, and fitting in, and being excluded or included, sends to slice my wrists open and end up in the hospital.  

Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? I want change, I am craving change, I am craving newness, I’m craving happiness.  I get to be selfish, for the first time in my life I don’t have to worry about my parents marriage, or my dad’s sanity, or my mom’s feelings, or my brother, or a boyfriend, or keeping people happy, or keeping the peace, or proving myself.  I can be me, I can take care of me, I can heal me.  So I’m going to be selfish, I am going to take care of myself.  Who says I have to wait until I’m established in a safe career until I can travel the world, until I can complete my bucket list, until I can be happy, until I move away, until I can be independent, until I can be me.  I want to live now, I want to experience it now, I don’t want to wait anymore, I don’t want to be paralyzed by fear or sadness or anxiety anymore, I’ve sacrificed myself for way too long.  I love Jesus, and I want that to carry me.  I am going to depend on him, not on a boy, my dad, a friend, or these people who I keep letting break me, if I’m going to break again, it’s going to be because of me on my own terms.  Actually screw that. I am not going to be broken anymore.  I might crack every now and again, I can guarantee I am going to crack and tear and rip probably everyday for the rest of my life.  But I am going to do that while living my life, on my terms (well Jesus’ terms but you get what I mean).  I’m going to start doing what makes me happy, wearing what makes me happy, eating what makes me happy, being with people who make me happy, I am going to be selfish.  I think I get to be selfish right?  I deserve that, I have earned that right.  No more second guessing myself, or looking for others’ approval, I am going to make a change.  I’m going to get better, I always do, I know I can do this.