I’ve been reflecting, as I typically do and the question on
my mind these days is “Why not?”
Why
can’t I be the girl who gets the happy ending?
Why is there only happy endings, why can’t there be happy middles? Why don’t I just go to Beijing, or Greece,
or Chile, or wherever the heck I want to go!
Who says I have to go to school, get a degree, get a job, be careful
with my money, buy a house, get married, have a dog, retire, and then die. What if I don’t want that to be my life?
I serve the most incredible God, so what
would happen if instead of focusing on what the world was telling me to do I
listened to Jesus, I spent more time with Jesus and less time in the
world? What would I do if I decided I
didn’t give a crap about what people thought about me and just followed my
heart and did what made me happy? Who
says I should be living at home because that makes the most economical sense,
and who says I need to finish out my degree because that is most logical, and
who says I need to follow all of these steps.
I am suffocating under the pressures of society, and of my family, and
of all the people around me telling what I should be doing, and how I should be
living. I have never stepped out of the
safe confines of my province (excluding Newfoundland), there is so much world I haven’t seen. Why am I forcing myself to be in this place
where I am unhappy. Why can’t I just
move to London, why don’t I just do it instead of thinking about it over and
over again? Why don’t I just stop
feeling sorry for myself and my lack of “culturedness” and get up and move, go
somewhere, anywhere? I want to see the
world, I want to meet everyone, I want to experience everything. I am so sick and tired of seeing my bed, one
bed here, one bed in Toronto I want to live.
Waking up, going to work, going to class, going home, going to sleep and
doing it all over again, that’s not the life I want. That life drives me crazy, that life being
hung up on boys, and fitting in, and being excluded or included, sends to slice
my wrists open and end up in the hospital.
Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over
again expecting different results? I want change, I am craving change, I am
craving newness, I’m craving happiness.
I get to be selfish, for the first time in my life I don’t have to worry
about my parents marriage, or my dad’s sanity, or my mom’s feelings, or my
brother, or a boyfriend, or keeping people happy, or keeping the peace, or
proving myself. I can be me, I can take
care of me, I can heal me. So I’m going
to be selfish, I am going to take care of myself. Who says I have to wait until I’m established
in a safe career until I can travel the world, until I can complete my bucket
list, until I can be happy, until I move away, until I can be independent,
until I can be me. I want to live now, I
want to experience it now, I don’t want to wait anymore, I don’t want to be
paralyzed by fear or sadness or anxiety anymore, I’ve sacrificed myself for way
too long. I love Jesus, and I want that
to carry me. I am going to depend on
him, not on a boy, my dad, a friend, or these people who I keep letting
break me, if I’m going to break again, it’s going to be because of me on my own
terms. Actually screw that. I am not
going to be broken anymore. I might
crack every now and again, I can guarantee I am going to crack and tear and rip
probably everyday for the rest of my life.
But I am going to do that while living my life, on my terms (well Jesus’
terms but you get what I mean). I’m
going to start doing what makes me happy, wearing what makes me happy, eating
what makes me happy, being with people who make me happy, I am going to be
selfish. I think I get to be selfish
right? I deserve that, I have earned
that right. No more second guessing
myself, or looking for others’ approval, I am going to make a change. I’m going to get better, I always do, I know
I can do this.
No comments:
Post a Comment