Forty One Ten: August 2016

The twenties as defined eloquently by Kyoko Escamilla:

"Your 20's are your 'selfish' years.

It's a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible.

Be selfish with your time, and all aspects of you.

Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little,

and never touch the ground."

Dang, she makes that sound magical.

The twenties as defined by a petrified Chelsea:

"My 20's a time that I never imagined for myself, never could imagine for myself. A fresh new decade filled with potential for new heartbreak, new joy, new memories, new lessons, new mistakes. A decade filled with the unknown.

I am scared."

I remember sitting in a hospital bed for the first time, I was sixteen. I sat there for hours watching my heart beat on the monitor. When I was sixteen I had to live moment to moment, never knowing if I was going to make it through. I couldn't picture the next year, the next week, or even day, so it was moment to moment, breath in breath out. As I grew older and watching my heart beat on the monitor became a sort of hobby for me, there was always this subconscious understanding that the "future", the "20's", "30's" etc., were never going to be an option for me. I was too sad, too sick, too helpless, one day I would go too deep, take too many, and that would be it. Just a kind of numb understanding my brain had.

Last week I turned 20. A whole week has gone by and I am still alive and well, I have yet to be doomed to death.

I AM SCARED. We were driving home on my 'birthday eve' and I was watching the clock go from 10:38, to 11:03, to 11:24, to 11:36, to 11:49, to 11:57 secretly hoping that we would just skip past 12:00 and life would carry on as my usual 19 year old self. No such luck.

12:00am on July 31 came at an Innisfil on route in the Tim Horton's line, make up less, bra less, looking pretty scary laughing with my home girl, and honestly...it was pretty perfect. The whole birthday weekend was as close to perfect as it gets.

Through my first week of 20's I have slightly altered my scared sh**less mentality to this: I am 20, I have survived the worst moments and thrived in some amazing ones. The past decade has been hard, really really hard, I wouldn't wish what I lived on anyone but also I wouldn't take them back if I had the chance. Those years, the really hard ones have gotten me right here, to 20. I have a fresh new decade at my fingertips, I can use them for whatever the heck I want. It is scary, but it is also absolutely exciting. Clean slate, and of course with new adventure comes new heart ache but using what I have learned about hurting from my teens, will make my 20's the best yet.

So take that 20's.

I hope you are soaking up the remainder of summer, and taking care of yourself. If you need me I'll be taking Kyoko's advice and living my 20's up!!

I love you!

Chelsea