Holding it All Together

There are so many things that we are supposed to be doing on a regular basis to keep it all together.  I should be in school, I should be getting good marks, I should be reading, I should be working out, I should be eating right, I should be keeping my home clean, I should be socializing on a regular basis, I should have a job, I should be saving my money, I need to be making money, I should volunteer, I should be involved in my community, in my school, and in my church, I should be reading my bible, I should be spending time in prayer, I should be spending time with my family, I should be outside more, I should have good posture, I should look put together at all times and on top of ALL this I should be getting 8 hours of sleep a night.

We have 24 hours in a day.
Minus 8 is 16.
Let's say with classes and a part time job that takes at LEAST 8 hours of my day away.  Now I have 8 more hours.
1 hour of exercise a day now I have 7.
Showering, hair, makeup, outfit that takes about 1.5 hours of a day. Now I have 5.5 hours.
To prepare food, and then eat that food is maybe an hour.  Now I have 4.5 hours.
Maybe 2 hours of homework a day that leaves me with 2.5 hours.
If I get 1 hour of social time a day I'm left with an hour and a half now.
Volunteering anywhere, church, community, or school would take up that hour and a half at least.

Now I have zero hours in my day.
If I am doing all of these things that the world tells me I need to be doing to be a "complete" "whole" person I am left with no time to spend with my God.

In this way, I find myself living of the world and not just in it.
Because I am living of the world in this manner, I burn out, so much so that I just completely shut down and end up not getting anything done. This is for one reason, and one reason only, I am not putting Jesus first.  I know, that's pretty cliche right?

I often don't think about it in this way, if I can just be skinnier, if I can just get good grades, if I'm just financially stable, if I can just get a degree, if I just have a lot of friends, if I just have the right outfit, then I will be good, then I will be complete, then my life will be good, maybe then I'll be happy.

WRONG!!!

Jesus, my father, the one who died to save me NEEDS to be at the forefront of everything I do.  I need to wake up in the morning, spend time with my lord and then let everything else fall into place as it is meant to be.  We are not capable of making everything perfect, we are not capable of living perfect lives, we are not capable of having it all together all the time.  Please, give yourself a break, let yourselves breathe, pat yourself on the back because it is so hard to live in this world.  The good news, Jesus doesn't care.  Jesus loves your heart, the rest of the stuff doesn't change anything.

Next time you find yourself becoming overwhelmed with the demands of the world just stop, take a moment, breathe, whisper a prayer to your father, and remember this : you are enough, you have always been enough, you will always be enough.

Living with Jesus, not with the world...

I’ve been reflecting, as I typically do and the question on my mind these days is “Why not?”  

Why can’t I be the girl who gets the happy ending?  Why is there only happy endings, why can’t there be happy middles?   Why don’t I just go to Beijing, or Greece, or Chile, or wherever the heck I want to go!  Who says I have to go to school, get a degree, get a job, be careful with my money, buy a house, get married, have a dog, retire, and then die.  What if I don’t want that to be my life?  

I serve the most incredible God, so what would happen if instead of focusing on what the world was telling me to do I listened to Jesus, I spent more time with Jesus and less time in the world?  What would I do if I decided I didn’t give a crap about what people thought about me and just followed my heart and did what made me happy?  Who says I should be living at home because that makes the most economical sense, and who says I need to finish out my degree because that is most logical, and who says I need to follow all of these steps.  I am suffocating under the pressures of society, and of my family, and of all the people around me telling what I should be doing, and how I should be living.  I have never stepped out of the safe confines of my province (excluding Newfoundland),  there is so much world I haven’t seen.  Why am I forcing myself to be in this place where I am unhappy.  Why can’t I just move to London, why don’t I just do it instead of thinking about it over and over again?  Why don’t I just stop feeling sorry for myself and my lack of “culturedness” and get up and move, go somewhere, anywhere?  I want to see the world, I want to meet everyone, I want to experience everything.  I am so sick and tired of seeing my bed, one bed here, one bed in Toronto I want to live.  Waking up, going to work, going to class, going home, going to sleep and doing it all over again, that’s not the life I want.  That life drives me crazy, that life being hung up on boys, and fitting in, and being excluded or included, sends to slice my wrists open and end up in the hospital.  

Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? I want change, I am craving change, I am craving newness, I’m craving happiness.  I get to be selfish, for the first time in my life I don’t have to worry about my parents marriage, or my dad’s sanity, or my mom’s feelings, or my brother, or a boyfriend, or keeping people happy, or keeping the peace, or proving myself.  I can be me, I can take care of me, I can heal me.  So I’m going to be selfish, I am going to take care of myself.  Who says I have to wait until I’m established in a safe career until I can travel the world, until I can complete my bucket list, until I can be happy, until I move away, until I can be independent, until I can be me.  I want to live now, I want to experience it now, I don’t want to wait anymore, I don’t want to be paralyzed by fear or sadness or anxiety anymore, I’ve sacrificed myself for way too long.  I love Jesus, and I want that to carry me.  I am going to depend on him, not on a boy, my dad, a friend, or these people who I keep letting break me, if I’m going to break again, it’s going to be because of me on my own terms.  Actually screw that. I am not going to be broken anymore.  I might crack every now and again, I can guarantee I am going to crack and tear and rip probably everyday for the rest of my life.  But I am going to do that while living my life, on my terms (well Jesus’ terms but you get what I mean).  I’m going to start doing what makes me happy, wearing what makes me happy, eating what makes me happy, being with people who make me happy, I am going to be selfish.  I think I get to be selfish right?  I deserve that, I have earned that right.  No more second guessing myself, or looking for others’ approval, I am going to make a change.  I’m going to get better, I always do, I know I can do this. 

Sadness

Everyone has sadness.  There is sadness everywhere in this world, because the world is flawed, it is imperfect, dripping in sin.  

I think throughout my journey this is what has surprised me the most is that when you open up to people, when I say hey I cut, or oh yeah I have depression, people open up back.  Everywhere I turn people are cutting, or sad, or crying, or anxious, or are struggling with their body, or, or, or, or, it just goes on.  

Honestly, if we’re just laying it all out there it made me mad.  I thought it made me less special, like I would have to one up everyone in my sadness, like it was a competition.  “Oh yea, well I’ve attempted suicide THREE times, not just one,” what a screwed up world, what a screwed up mind, what a screwed up way of thinking!!  That is a mind that has fallen away from Jesus let me tell you.  It’s gotten to the point where I’m just exhausted, exhausted of taking care of other people, and then I feel guilty for being tired because all I want to do is make sure that everyone is ok, all I want to do is hold my housemate while she sobs because she has a broken heart, all I want to do is go bring my best friend starbucks when she wants to give up because school is too much, I want to throw everyone a surprise party, I just want the world to feel love.  

As I’ve become sadder, my complete need for other people to be ok has gotten greater, and I think it comes from this.  A few years back I decided that God put me on this path because he needs me to suffer through this, fight through this so that his other children don’t have to.  My father needs me to fight this fight, and then help him take care of his other children, and make sure that they don’t have to live what I lived.  That’s kind of a great honour, and it almost makes what is happening to me worth it (at least that’s what I believe on a good day).  When other people get sad, when I don’t have the words to make it all better, that frustrates me, it frustrates me because I’m not fulfilling my purpose, and if I’m not fulfilling my purpose then what the heck is the point of me hurting at a paralyzing rate.  So then I get discouraged and then I fold up and get into my safe fetal position.  So this is my slap in the head, Chelsea people get sad.  If people didn’t experience sadness then joy wouldn’t be joyful, it would be meh.  If sadness didn’t exist, we wouldn’t learn to appreciate, to love, to be kind, to be empathetic, and then what kind of a world would that be.  

Earth is full of sin, the devil is all around and that’s what makes heaven so epic, that’s what makes it the dream, the end goal.  If we lived in a perfect world right here right now then what the heck would the point be.  Sadness is necessary, instead of running from it full force, I’m going to try to embrace it.  I cut to escape, I overdose to escape, I shut down and hide to escape,  I eat to escape, I become small to escape, I hide from sad.  I want to show myself to the sad, I want to say Hey God, I am really not doing well today, please take care of me.  I want to be able to say, hey guys I’m having a sad day, could you love me extra for a day.  I want to say Chelsea do not run from this, instead take a nap, talk to your God, colour, write a letter, go on a run, and take a shower, then regroup and figure out what is making you feel this way, where is the sadness coming from and what does it want to teach you.  I want to learn, I want to grow, I want to be better, become better from my sadness.  I am a human, I sin I do not deserve pure perfect happiness at all times I am not Jesus.  It is only through my God that I will experience pure happiness, and even then God wants me to struggle to learn.  I am trying to believe this, I am trying to keep this on my heart to remind me to keep going, to remind me that living is worth it.  I am trying. 

Dear World..

Dear World,
Why are we so hard on ourselves?
Why are we so hard on each other?
Aren't we all just trying to live the best way we know how
Shouldn't we be trying to figure it out together?
Don't we all struggle?
Don't we all have broken hearts?
I have a broken heart.
Honestly, it probably doesn't even look like a heart anymore, it's just pieces.
I cry, I get sad, I judge, I lie, I cheat, I can be rude, I say mean things, I get jealous, I feel unwanted.
I also feel love, jot, I laugh, I smile, I get excited, I dance, I am happy.
I can be all of these things.
You can be all of these things.
We can be all of these things.
Some days are good, some are bad.
Living is hard, pain, work, laughter, love, heartbreak, learning.
It is ALL these things.
Not just the good.  Now just the bad.
I'm here world.
I love you world.
I want to listen world.
I want to be your friend world.
We'll be ok world.
From,
One broken heart to another

Dear Blogger Universe,

Isaiah 41:10: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid for I am your God.  I will strengthen and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  

I love this verse so much that I tattooed it to my wrist so that when all else failed, I would have it to look down at and remember that I am going to be ok, because I have a great God on my side. 

I am Chelsea, I am a christ follower, somedays I'm better at it than others.  I was diagnosed with Depression five years ago.  I have scars up to my elbows and down to my knees, and those are just the ones people can see.  I have struggled with abuse, anxiety, self-harm, suicide, body image, alcohol abuse, drugs, sex, betrayal, and a whole host of other warm fuzzy feelings.  

There are so many beautiful people in this world that are struggling in silence, I struggled in silence for a long while but I'm not going to do that anymore.  My dream is for this to become a place where people can come and feel understood, less lonely.  A place where people can learn to love themselves, and love their journey.  I hope that by me sharing my story in such a public way, that maybe you reading this will share some of your story somewhere, somehow, someway, and maybe just maybe we will slowly stop being afraid of showing the world what we really are, and start showing the world our scars.  I think then we'll begin to realize, that everyone has their scars, everyone has a story, a story worth sharing.  Hurting together feels a lot better than hurting behind closed doors.