Mindful

So I’ve started this new thing, a new scary out of my comfort zone kind of a thing.  I have officially started a group therapy/class/not really therapy at all group thing at my school.  MY doctor at school has been trying to get me to go to one of these for 2 years now, and they just freaked me out so I always said no, not in a million years without even really considering it.  What if I knew somebody there? What if they found out about me? What if I started crying in front of strangers?  What if I found out that I am really crazy and they locked me up?  What if I had to talk? What if somebody saw me go in?  Then I realized woah that’s kind of crazy, that I’m holding myself back to a potentially fabulous experience because I’m scared people will find out about me, when my end goal in life is to essentially tell everyone about me anyways.  So I walked my shaking self through the rain and into this new class. 

Honestly, it was pretty awkward, and I kind of hated myself because I was judging just about everyone that came in, oh they look normal, oh wait do I know them, he’s on the football team why is he here? Nobody spoke, we were all awkward turtles trying to figure out why we were there, and what the “appropriate” thing was, how “should” we be behaving right now? So then, logically, the next right thing to do with a room full of awko taco young adults is to lead them into a meditation, which is probably the most vulnerable activity I have ever been a part of.  In a room full of total strangers, I had to close my eyes and go inside my mind.  Vulnerable.  But I did it.  We all did it. And it was fun? I had fun? I put the judgment away?

Well everybody I’m pretty sure that mindfulness, and meditation are my new obsessions.  It felt so good!  It felt like when you’re sitting in front of the ocean, and all those worries, and anxieties, and fears, just slip away into the lapping of the waves, and you’re just overcome with thankfulness, and joy.  It felt like that, but I was sitting in a basement, with strangers, at school.

 My mind races, always, I don’t know why, it just does, it is never quiet, I am always thinking about something.  For the 5 minutes we were meditating, yes it was still racing, but I was learning how to quiet it If that makes sense?  I love that I think so much about everything, I love that it’s always going, my thinking makes for some great positives in my life and has helped with my recovery, but it is also the source of a lot of anxiety, and hurt, and yuckiness.  Learning to kind of shut it off, in a healthy, mindful, way, was SO EXCITING! 

I love this new group, I love that we’re all there from such different parts of the world, but we’re there for that 1-hour doing the same thing, learning the same thing, living together. 

So I’m bringing you on this next four weeks with me, to learn about being mindful. 

Ready? Set? Go

Newfoundland

I have been looking forward to the time I would get to come back, since the last time I was here 4 years ago.  I don't know what it is, but every time I come back it's better than the last.  Maybe I'm getting older and am appreciating it more as a result of age, but there's something in the air here that's just different.

4:27AM, I wake up in anticipation of my alarm, too excited to wait the extra three minutes I get a move on.  Even the airport taxi driver is kind and loving, at 5 in the morning, this has to be the start of the most perfect trip.  Honestly it's such a rarity for me to be on a plane, that I really think the airport was one of my favourite moments.  I love the snacks, I love all the people, I love sitting in a plane, I love being in the air, I love being above the clouds, and I also don't mind the snapchat opportunities.  Newfoundland, here I come.

I mean hello, are you seeing just how stinking beautiful the world is.  I think flying should be some kind of therapy in and of itself.  

The last time I was here, in St.John's, I came for the summer after my Poppy died.  It was then that I started to notice that something was off with me, the air started to feel heavier, I didn't or I couldn't feel as much joy.  Coming back, this memory was in the back of my head, but man oh man this trip could not be any more different.  

As soon as I stepped foot on that airplane I was just giddy, and that hasn't gone away this whole week.  I am not thinking about my weight, what I should be eating versus what I am eating, I'm not thinking about school, or deadlines, about drama, sadness, cutting, I am just joyful.  I cannot begin to tell you how refreshing it is to have all these back to back days, with no worries just joy.  

Everything here is breathtakingly beautiful, driving down the street you're met with beautiful landscape, the ocean is impeccable, everywhere I turn I am met with more of God's beauty.  My people here are good, my people here are love, just a lot of love.  I'm not thinking about what anybody else is thinking about me, I am loving and laughing, reminiscing, and making new memories, and did I mention laughing.  

I feel closer to everything here, myself, my family, my poppy, the earth, God.  I'm sure there will be about 77 more posts about this trip, but as for right now I am off to make Pea Soup with my nanny.  

I am doing (or trying to do), an instagram a day while I'm away, so you should follow me! hahaha (#shamelessplug) 

@chelseardm

I love you, you are loved, you are worthy, you have purpose.  Challenge for this week: start planning a vacation, or an adventure, just go see something new, go experience something new, go do.  I promise you won't regret it. (And take LOTS of pictures)

I love you