I think throughout my journey this is what
has surprised me the most is that when you open up to people, when I say hey I
cut, or oh yeah I have depression, people open up back. Everywhere I turn people are cutting, or sad,
or crying, or anxious, or are struggling with their body, or, or, or, or, it
just goes on.
Honestly, if we’re just
laying it all out there it made me mad. I
thought it made me less special, like I would have to one up everyone in my
sadness, like it was a competition. “Oh
yea, well I’ve attempted suicide THREE times, not just one,” what a screwed up
world, what a screwed up mind, what a screwed up way of thinking!! That is a mind that has fallen away from
Jesus let me tell you. It’s gotten to
the point where I’m just exhausted, exhausted of taking care of other people,
and then I feel guilty for being tired because all I want to do is make sure
that everyone is ok, all I want to do is hold my housemate while she sobs
because she has a broken heart, all I want to do is go bring my best friend
starbucks when she wants to give up because school is too much, I want to throw
everyone a surprise party, I just want the world to feel love.
As I’ve become sadder, my complete need for
other people to be ok has gotten greater, and I think it comes from this. A few years back I decided that God put me on
this path because he needs me to suffer through this, fight through this so
that his other children don’t have to.
My father needs me to fight this fight, and then help him take care of
his other children, and make sure that they don’t have to live what I lived. That’s kind of a great honour, and it almost
makes what is happening to me worth it (at least that’s what I believe on a
good day). When other people get sad,
when I don’t have the words to make it all better, that frustrates me, it
frustrates me because I’m not fulfilling my purpose, and if I’m not fulfilling
my purpose then what the heck is the point of me hurting at a paralyzing
rate. So then I get discouraged and then
I fold up and get into my safe fetal position.
So this is my slap in the head, Chelsea people get sad. If people didn’t experience sadness then joy
wouldn’t be joyful, it would be meh. If
sadness didn’t exist, we wouldn’t learn to appreciate, to love, to be kind, to
be empathetic, and then what kind of a world would that be.
Earth is full of sin, the devil is all around
and that’s what makes heaven so epic, that’s what makes it the dream, the end
goal. If we lived in a perfect world
right here right now then what the heck would the point be. Sadness is necessary, instead of running from
it full force, I’m going to try to embrace it.
I cut to escape, I overdose to escape, I shut down and hide to
escape, I eat to escape, I become small
to escape, I hide from sad. I want to
show myself to the sad, I want to say Hey God, I am really not doing well
today, please take care of me. I want to
be able to say, hey guys I’m having a sad day, could you love me extra for a
day. I want to say Chelsea do not run
from this, instead take a nap, talk to your God, colour, write a letter, go
on a run, and take a shower, then regroup and figure out what is making you
feel this way, where is the sadness coming from and what does it want to teach
you. I want to learn, I want to grow, I
want to be better, become better from my sadness. I am a human, I sin I do not deserve pure
perfect happiness at all times I am not Jesus.
It is only through my God that I will experience pure happiness, and
even then God wants me to struggle to learn.
I am trying to believe this, I am trying to keep this on my heart to
remind me to keep going, to remind me that living is worth it. I am trying.
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