Mindful

So I’ve started this new thing, a new scary out of my comfort zone kind of a thing.  I have officially started a group therapy/class/not really therapy at all group thing at my school.  MY doctor at school has been trying to get me to go to one of these for 2 years now, and they just freaked me out so I always said no, not in a million years without even really considering it.  What if I knew somebody there? What if they found out about me? What if I started crying in front of strangers?  What if I found out that I am really crazy and they locked me up?  What if I had to talk? What if somebody saw me go in?  Then I realized woah that’s kind of crazy, that I’m holding myself back to a potentially fabulous experience because I’m scared people will find out about me, when my end goal in life is to essentially tell everyone about me anyways.  So I walked my shaking self through the rain and into this new class. 

Honestly, it was pretty awkward, and I kind of hated myself because I was judging just about everyone that came in, oh they look normal, oh wait do I know them, he’s on the football team why is he here? Nobody spoke, we were all awkward turtles trying to figure out why we were there, and what the “appropriate” thing was, how “should” we be behaving right now? So then, logically, the next right thing to do with a room full of awko taco young adults is to lead them into a meditation, which is probably the most vulnerable activity I have ever been a part of.  In a room full of total strangers, I had to close my eyes and go inside my mind.  Vulnerable.  But I did it.  We all did it. And it was fun? I had fun? I put the judgment away?

Well everybody I’m pretty sure that mindfulness, and meditation are my new obsessions.  It felt so good!  It felt like when you’re sitting in front of the ocean, and all those worries, and anxieties, and fears, just slip away into the lapping of the waves, and you’re just overcome with thankfulness, and joy.  It felt like that, but I was sitting in a basement, with strangers, at school.

 My mind races, always, I don’t know why, it just does, it is never quiet, I am always thinking about something.  For the 5 minutes we were meditating, yes it was still racing, but I was learning how to quiet it If that makes sense?  I love that I think so much about everything, I love that it’s always going, my thinking makes for some great positives in my life and has helped with my recovery, but it is also the source of a lot of anxiety, and hurt, and yuckiness.  Learning to kind of shut it off, in a healthy, mindful, way, was SO EXCITING! 

I love this new group, I love that we’re all there from such different parts of the world, but we’re there for that 1-hour doing the same thing, learning the same thing, living together. 

So I’m bringing you on this next four weeks with me, to learn about being mindful. 

Ready? Set? Go